1 00:00:11,080 --> 00:00:14,084 Tonight, a sausage gets burnt, 2 00:00:14,119 --> 00:00:17,965 a sheep falls over, 3 00:00:18,000 --> 00:00:20,040 and our track is all wet. 4 00:00:27,024 --> 00:00:29,053 CROWD CHEERS AND APPLAUDS 5 00:00:29,088 --> 00:00:33,072 Hello! Hello, everybody. Hello. 6 00:00:33,107 --> 00:00:37,021 Thank you. Thank you so much. 7 00:00:37,056 --> 00:00:40,570 Now, you may remember, a couple of years ago, we were contacted 8 00:00:40,605 --> 00:00:44,049 by a German car programme, asking us to boost their ratings. 9 00:00:44,084 --> 00:00:47,092 You mean "take us on in a series of motoring-related challenges". 10 00:00:47,127 --> 00:00:51,013 Yes, that. Anyway, we did what he just said, 11 00:00:51,048 --> 00:00:57,036 and we didn't just beat them - with a little bit of cheating, we humiliated them. 12 00:00:57,071 --> 00:00:59,977 Yeah, but despite the futility of taking us on, 13 00:01:00,012 --> 00:01:04,013 we've now had a letter from the people who make Top Gear in Australia. 14 00:01:04,048 --> 00:01:08,060 It's basically the same programmeas ours but with silly accents. Yeah. I've got the letter here. 15 00:01:08,095 --> 00:01:13,016 It says, "Dear Top Gear UK, we're coming... " Why am I doing this in a French accent? 16 00:01:13,051 --> 00:01:18,057 "Dear Top Gear UK, we're coming over to your stupid country soon, 17 00:01:18,092 --> 00:01:23,064 "and we want to take you on in a car-based Ashes, you Pommie bas... " 18 00:01:24,056 --> 00:01:29,070 Ahem! Obviously, we picked up their gauntlet, so welcome, everybody, 19 00:01:29,105 --> 00:01:34,084 to Top Gear versus Australia Motoring Jeux Sans Frontieres - Ashes. 20 00:01:34,119 --> 00:01:38,969 "Land of Hope and Glory" 21 00:01:39,004 --> 00:01:42,004 These are the cars we can call on - 22 00:01:43,060 --> 00:01:49,000 the Aston Martin DBS, the Jaguar XKR, 23 00:01:49,035 --> 00:01:51,072 the Caterham Superlight, 24 00:01:51,107 --> 00:01:53,041 the Aerial Atom, 25 00:01:53,076 --> 00:01:57,072 the Bentley Continental, the Range Rooney. 26 00:01:57,107 --> 00:02:00,093 The list goes on and on. 27 00:02:00,128 --> 00:02:03,045 "Waltzing Matilda" 28 00:02:03,080 --> 00:02:08,028 And these are the cars they can field - 29 00:02:08,063 --> 00:02:09,989 the Holden Maloo pickup, 30 00:02:10,024 --> 00:02:12,076 the Holden Commodore saloon... 31 00:02:12,111 --> 00:02:14,028 And that's it. 32 00:02:19,024 --> 00:02:23,020 So, we've got the cars, we've got the place. Where are they? 33 00:02:23,055 --> 00:02:26,016 Should have landed over three hours ago. 34 00:02:30,004 --> 00:02:33,020 You did book them a taxi, didn't you? 35 00:02:33,055 --> 00:02:35,004 Sort of. 36 00:02:45,060 --> 00:02:51,004 I just thought it would be nice for them to arrive back in the country the way their ancestors left. 37 00:02:51,039 --> 00:02:53,008 There's a pleasing circularity to it. Exactly. That is thoughtful. 38 00:02:53,043 --> 00:02:54,064 That is very thoughtful. 39 00:02:54,099 --> 00:02:56,021 No, it is. 40 00:02:56,056 --> 00:03:00,036 So, let's meet the men we'd be up against. 41 00:03:00,071 --> 00:03:04,016 Guys! Ewen Page, who does not have a beard... 42 00:03:04,051 --> 00:03:07,069 .. Steve Pizzati, who does... 43 00:03:07,104 --> 00:03:10,053 .. and Shane Jacobson, who is fat. 44 00:03:10,088 --> 00:03:16,016 Strangely, none of them was very happy about the prison lorry. 45 00:03:16,051 --> 00:03:17,989 That gag was not funny in 1938. 46 00:03:18,024 --> 00:03:23,076 It is here. You've had about 200years to come up with a better gag,and that's it. It's funny! 47 00:03:23,111 --> 00:03:26,981 I want to apologise for cubicle one. You ran out of paper. 48 00:03:27,016 --> 00:03:32,016 To try and stop them whingeing, we let them choose the first event. 49 00:03:32,051 --> 00:03:34,545 OK, working man's one-kilometre drag race. 50 00:03:34,580 --> 00:03:37,005 We'll pit a typical Aussie commercial vehicle 51 00:03:37,040 --> 00:03:42,076 against a typical Pommie commercialvehicle to see which is the fastest. Drag race, eh? 52 00:03:42,111 --> 00:03:45,981 Yeah, what do you say? OK, 53 00:03:46,016 --> 00:03:50,037 it's "a working man's one-kilometre drag race". 54 00:03:50,072 --> 00:03:54,056 This was a cunning move by the Aussies, because it meant 55 00:03:54,091 --> 00:03:58,040 they could go straight in to bat with the Maloo pickup. 56 00:03:58,075 --> 00:03:59,977 See that there? 57 00:04:00,012 --> 00:04:03,045 A six-litre V8. 380 horsepower. 58 00:04:03,080 --> 00:04:08,048 In America, they use the engine out of this in the Corvette. Ah, yeah. 59 00:04:08,083 --> 00:04:13,048 Sadly, we hadn't thought to bring a commercial vehicle. 60 00:04:15,072 --> 00:04:18,009 The bloke who just came and painted my house did have a Jag. 61 00:04:18,044 --> 00:04:21,981 Is that any good? It doesn't make it a commercial vehicle. Not really, no. 62 00:04:22,016 --> 00:04:26,064 I don't think we can really get away with any of these as... They're justgoing to say that we're cheating. 63 00:04:28,020 --> 00:04:32,546 Luckily, Jeremy then remembered he had a mate with a Transit, 64 00:04:32,581 --> 00:04:37,072 so it was brought over, and a pessimistic Hammond climbed aboard. 65 00:04:37,107 --> 00:04:40,589 This is not a good start for us. 66 00:04:40,624 --> 00:04:43,346 This exhaust is blowing badly. 67 00:04:43,381 --> 00:04:46,033 That really suits you, that. 68 00:04:46,068 --> 00:04:48,061 I can't imagine you in anything else, Bruce. 69 00:04:48,096 --> 00:04:52,080 It is just Bruce in a Brucemobile. And look at Nigel over there. 70 00:04:52,115 --> 00:04:56,064 Can we just stand back? Because this is, I'm afraid, going to be... 71 00:04:56,099 --> 00:05:00,051 .. a bloodbath. It is. A bloodbath. Exactly. 72 00:05:00,086 --> 00:05:04,004 Are you still sureyou want to do this? Yes! Yes! 73 00:05:07,024 --> 00:05:08,977 Why do I have to do the first event? 74 00:05:09,012 --> 00:05:10,985 And why does it have to be in an old van? 75 00:05:11,020 --> 00:05:15,072 All I've got to do is watch that little green light and then win. 76 00:05:15,076 --> 00:05:19,000 ENGINES REV 77 00:05:29,040 --> 00:05:30,096 Whoa! 78 00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:36,084 What the hell is in that van? 79 00:05:40,084 --> 00:05:42,072 What is this thing? It's insane! 80 00:05:53,072 --> 00:05:55,092 He's in the weeds! He's blown away! 81 00:05:58,060 --> 00:06:01,074 Yes! Yes, a clear win for the Nigels. 82 00:06:01,109 --> 00:06:04,088 I'm sorry, Bruce, we take that one. 83 00:06:04,123 --> 00:06:07,045 First blood to Nigel. 84 00:06:07,080 --> 00:06:10,560 Sorry, Bruce. Yeah, we forgot about the traditional gesture. 85 00:06:10,595 --> 00:06:14,005 That's not a van. It is a van! It doesn't seem like a van. 86 00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:18,052 It is a van. Did you see the look on Nigel's face when it took off? 87 00:06:18,087 --> 00:06:20,057 They don't believe it's a van! 88 00:06:20,092 --> 00:06:24,024 Pretty impressive. I like your van. And they're all like that. That's standard. 89 00:06:24,059 --> 00:06:28,539 Look, I will prove to you thatit is a van. Behold. What is that? 90 00:06:28,574 --> 00:06:33,020 It even managed to beat you while carrying an engine in the back. 91 00:06:33,055 --> 00:06:34,571 Ready? Hang on. 92 00:06:34,606 --> 00:06:36,053 It says "Jaguar"! 93 00:06:36,088 --> 00:06:38,566 All right, this might be a bit... 94 00:06:38,601 --> 00:06:41,009 Yes. And it's turbocharged, too! 95 00:06:41,044 --> 00:06:47,060 It is slightly turbocharged. Actually, what it is, if I'm honest, it's a Jaguar XJ220. 96 00:06:47,095 --> 00:06:51,032 Ohhh! Did you say we weren't allowed to bring a Jaguar-propelled van? 97 00:06:51,067 --> 00:06:54,545 Well, no. Is it a van? Is a van a commercial vehicle? 98 00:06:54,580 --> 00:06:58,024 You could have warned me. I got the shock of my life! 99 00:06:58,059 --> 00:07:01,016 Honest to God! 100 00:07:04,016 --> 00:07:08,060 After our first-innings victory, Jeremy decided that for the second challenge, 101 00:07:08,095 --> 00:07:13,008 we should re-run a race we'd first tried against the Germans. 102 00:07:13,043 --> 00:07:15,061 OK, guys, it is really straightforward, OK? 103 00:07:15,096 --> 00:07:20,001 The car on the bottom has the accelerator, the gears and brake, 104 00:07:20,036 --> 00:07:25,088 but no steering wheel, because the steering is done by the car on the top. 105 00:07:25,123 --> 00:07:27,021 You got that? 106 00:07:27,056 --> 00:07:29,068 Right. You got it, then, Bruce? 107 00:07:29,103 --> 00:07:31,085 Which one's ours, Nigel? 108 00:07:31,120 --> 00:07:33,068 These are both ours. OK? 109 00:07:33,103 --> 00:07:35,051 We have both these. 110 00:07:35,086 --> 00:07:36,965 Yours are over here. 111 00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:38,977 But... But what? It's upside down! 112 00:07:39,012 --> 00:07:44,068 Yes, but it won't be when...
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