CATWOMAN
by
Daniel Waters
June 16, 1995
IN COMPLETE DARKNESS
A cat is heard moaning, at first gently, then unbearably.
EXT. A SNOWY PATCH OF GOTHAM CITY--NIGHT
Coming out of the darkness, the viewer's viewpoint glides across
a moonlit blanket of snow toward the cry of the wounded feline. A
BLACK CAT is revealed twitching on its back amid the expanse of
white. The viewer hangs over her only briefly before drifting
forward...
Like mismatched carpet samples, the patch of glowing snow cuts
neatly-absurdly at a patch of sunscorched desert.
EXT. THE DESERT--DAY
Easing all the way into the daylit desert, one catches sight of a
lizard and gloms onto the creature's frenetic path, moving faster
and faster across the parched land. Until Zap. The Lizard
kamikazes into a grand electrified barricade.
The viewer's viewpoint arcs over the fence, way, way, into the
air to take in a spectacular view of the sparkling OASISBURG, a
gorgeous urban island in a sea of dirt and sand. Major Emerald
City vibe. As the viewer circles the city, day turns to night,
lights blast on everywhere, and the voice of Selina Kyle
insinuates onto the soundtrack.
SELINA (V.O.)
I do not know how I came to live in
Oasisburg. No one ever DOES. But then
I have forgotten what "is" and more
to the point, what ever WAS.
The viewer's viewpoint whooshes down into the city to squeamishly
embrace its majestic tackiness. As frightening as it sounds, the
city is a crazed amalgamation of LA-Vegas-Palm Springs-
Disneyland. Garish billboards shriek simple messages like RELAX
and BE HAPPY. People putter about not in cars, but in adorable
golf-cart vehicles.
The viewer makes a dazzling plow down the painful neon of the
city's MAIN STREET toward an awesome edifice at the end. A Casino-
and-more to end all casinos-and-more. A colossal sign proclaims
it FRANK'S FUN PALACE.
The most Hot and most Top tourist
spot in the world--a place like all
places only more SO. Was I, Selina
Kyle, having fun with the fun of
Oasisburg? The answer is NO.
The whooshing airborne tour of Oasisburg, Selina's narration, and
whatever holy music is bellowing on the soundtrack all come to a
dead halt outside a lit-up room in the middle of a bland office
building.
INT. THE STARK ROOM OF BLANDNESS--NIGHT
Beneath a flickering fluorescent, A GROUP OF UNHAPPY WOMEN sit
slumped in a circle of uncomfortable chairs. Not very
spectacular. Heading the group in infinitely more upbeat dress
and demeanor, as if on a first date, is an ultra-perky demon
named DR. PENELOPE SNUGGLE.
PENELOPE
We did it. We've won. Over the last
years, there have been super changes
for women and we should be pleased
as, dare I say it, punch. Hand to
back--proceed to pat. There are
limits though; and Barbara, if you
try starting your own business,
you'll probably fail. I say that in
the nicest possible way. Who's next?
SAD WOMAN
Hi, I'm Mona. And I'm a victim.
THE GROUP
Hi, Mona.
My husband tried putting styrofoam
down the garbage disposal. I told him
he shouldn't do that--he just started
screaming at me...
I have one word for you, Mona. "Sh-h-
h." It's a better for a woman's soul
to take pain, than to give it out.
Now have we all finished my new
book...
Penelope holds up a hardcover with a lame drawing of Catwoman--
THE CATWOMAN COMPLEX by Dr. Penelope Snuggle.
The Catwoman Complex of course refers
to the fabled Catwoman--We all know
the "tale," pardon the pun-- a couple
years back, in where-else-but that
gloomy heckhole Gotham City, a woman,
all done up as a black cat, was
supposedly sighted committing various
acts of terrorism. Whether or not
she actually ever existed, this
"Catwoman" has much to teach us--
that the pursuit of power turns women
into monsters and very unhappy
monsters at that. Women, stop trying
to be Catwomen and start being women.
Who's next?
A short, sweet pan is made from the Sad Woman to the completely
bent-over woman beside her. She raises her head. It is the woman
we know to be SELINA KYLE. And she has been through hell. With
all her energy, she aches her voice into a barely audible,
melancholy rasp.
SELINA
Hello, I'm Selina Kyle.
Hi, Selina.
And I'm a victim. I mean, that's what
they tell me. I was brought into an
emergency room in that aforementioned
hellhole Gotham City-- scars,
bruises, and bulletholes all over my
body. Most interesting thing that's
ever happened to me and I remember
nothing. Nothing. My mother brought
me back here to Oasisburg to "Relax"
and "Be Happy," just like the
billboards say. But it's hard, I...
Selina is rudely cut off by a melodic chime sonic-booming across
the city. All the women except Selina do a giddy, Pavlovian leap
from their chairs and race to the window.
(NO LONGER) SAD WOMAN
It's the call for the Cult of Good!
Be still, my heart..
Through the ladies' POV, criminal activity is in progress down
below.
EXT. MAIN STREET TOWN SQUARE--NIGHT
AN ARMY OF MEN IN ZEBRA-STRIPED SHIRTS AND BLACK BERETS hustle
out from the gaping smoking hole in the face of a bank. They race
to a line of getaway golf carts. Their EYE-PATCHED LEADER shouts
up at the melodic chiming.
EYE-PATCHED LEADER
Hurry men, those silly superheroes
are coming...
One golf cart zips off down an alley while another rumbles away
down Main Street. Suddenly, a VAST BUT SLEEK VAN plows forth
knocking the latter golf cart out of frame like a toy.
...
missolgarock