That's Carry On!.english.txt

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KENNETH WILLIAMS:
Ooh, how am I going to get all this lot in?

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BARBARA WINDSOR:
Bilmey! You have got a lot there.

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KENNETH: No, it's impossible!

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( She strains and groans )

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Ooh, listen. You wriggle and I'll shove.
We're nearly there.

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Don't stop!

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( He groans )

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Push the knob in.
It won't work if you don't push the knob in.

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Oh.

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You're right!

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She's not just a pretty face.

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Ladies and gentlemen, from 28 films...

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And God knows how many film stars...

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That's Carry On!

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# Fanfare #

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We don't meed your recommendation,
thank you.

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Ooh! No, it wasn't like that at all.

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It was noble, a pageant of history.

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A cavalcade of contemporary comment!

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A colossal Carry On cockup!

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Yes. No! Stop messing about.

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KENNETH: What about that, then?

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Huge action colour spectacular
and a cast of thousands!

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( Breaks wind )

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Ooh, yes, the Carry Ons certainly had
an atomosphere of their own.

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You can say that again.

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KENNETH: I thought
we'd start off with one of my favourites,

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Carry On Don't Lose Your Head.

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In the end, I did lose my head.

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- Oh, it don't show.
- No, well, it...

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Miss Sharp, straight out of the knife box!

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Mm... Ooh!

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( Hum of conversation )

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Oh, hark at me.

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You needn't request an audience.
You've got one.

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It's these bubbles.
They get lodged in my chest.

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Hmm, there's room for a few lodgers there.

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( Rhythmic clapping )

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# Lively music #

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Excuse me, my dear. May I cut in?

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Of course, Rodney, darling.

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Thank you, my dear.

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Act naturally.

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Ah, Sir Rodney! I must congratulate you.

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A perfectly splendid charity ball!

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Thank you, Lady Binder.

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Now, do tell me. What is it all in aid of?

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SFA.

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Oh, come. It must be in aid of something.

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SFA- Stramded French Aristocrats.

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Oh, of course. A very worthy cause.

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And you've done them proud tnight.

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But then, you've always had magnificent
balls, and I wouldn't miss one of them!

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Thank you, Lady Binder.

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I bet they didn't hold any balls
there for a long time.

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They did! Every Tuesday.

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I'd go round clearing up the mess after
with a bucket and shovel.

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Like you did in the next Carry on,
Follow That Camel.

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Good day.

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( Camel grunts )

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( Cock crows )

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( Cock crow again )

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This appears to be the place, sir.

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Well, help me down, will you, Simpson?

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Ho! Camel, boo-boo.

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Hi-ha! Hi-ha!

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I've got it.

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Good morning, madam.
My name is Bertram Oliphant West.

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Well, I'm sorry, but what can I do about it?

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My name is Zigzig.
And what can you do about that?

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No, no, you misunderstand me, madam.

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I merely wish to ask where one goes
to join the Foreign Legion.

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Ah, just one moment!

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I go ask the sergeant.

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Sergeant?

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Sergeant Nocker.
He is important man in Legion.

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He know everything.

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Is he here?

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Oh, yes.

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Often.

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Perhaps it's the married quarters, Simpson.

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There are two men here
who are wanting to join you.

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Nothing doing. Let them find their own bed!

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Ah, sugar date. Hold it right here, sugar.

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Sergeant, do you have to go back now?

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You're a good girl. Thanks a lot, honey.

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Thanks for the lift.

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I have a good ass.

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No?

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Was ist das? Ze joke?

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Oh, I forgot I had it on my head, sir.

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- Deal with this man, Sergeant!
- Yes, sir. It'll be a pleasure.

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Oh, it's the hat! Oh, don't blame him, sir.

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- He was so busy helping me, that he...
- Silence!

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# Exotic rhythm #

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I don't know if you happened to notice,
sir, but these things...

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Yes, Simpson, I did happen to notice.

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We have some casserole dishes
just like that at home, sir.

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Oh, yes, that's right.
We used to put our dumpings in them.

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We use them for the same reason here.

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The infidels will all perish when the
second crescent of the moon enters

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- Orion's third phase.
- When in that?

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Tuesday.

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First, the legionnaires at Fort Zuassantneuf,
and then the infidels at Sidi-bel-Abbes.

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It has been ordained by the prophet,
Mustafa Leak.

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Mustafa Leak!

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Mustafa Leak.

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Now,

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you have until nightfall
to come to your senses.

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If not, they will come off...

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..one by one.

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I suppose he means our ears.

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That's my boy.
Always thinking of the higher things.

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- You're in.
- Oh, thank you very much indeed.

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How is that?

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Oh, that wasn't fair,
blowing up people's balls like that.

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If you think that's not cricket,
what about our hospital films?

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( Siren Wails )

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- ( Groans )
- Hurts, does it, sir?

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Ooh, no. I'm just doing this
to while away the journey.

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( Tyres Screech )

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Blimey! He's in a hurry.

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WOMAN: Now, don't be a silly boy.

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If I let you, would that make
me a sensible one?

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What's going on here, Nurse?

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Sister, he won't let me take his
underpants off, the silly boy.

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You're damn right, I won't.
And I'm not a boy, as you'd soon find out.

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- Mr Bigger...
-...