Afraid To Dance by Shannon Carr.pdf

Storyid: 4883344

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Name: Afraid To Dance

Author: Shannon Carr

Chapter 1 to 46

Afraid To Dance by Shannon Carr

Bella goes to Dartmouth and gets engaged to the WRONG guy. When she finds the courage to

walk away from an abusive relationship, she meets safe and sweet Jacob and dangerously

attractive Edward. Can she learn to trust and love again? AU/AH. ExB,RxEm,AxJ.(Complete)

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Chapter: 1

The search for my future has brought me here.

This is more than I’d hoped for, but sometimes I fear,

That the choice I was made for would someday appear,

And I’ll be too late for that flight…

David Wilcox

Prologue

I stared out at the treetops as the shadows moved across them. A storm was brewing. The air felt

thick with humidity. It would’ve been a lovely time to sit and relax in the warm breeze, but I

couldn’t shake the chill that had seeped into my core. This just wasn’t right.

Had it ever been?

How long have I been fooling myself? The garden and pavilion were booked, the wedding party

had been chosen. They’d all seemed so excited. The invitations, the dresses and tuxes had all

been chosen carefully. But the gnawing feeling in my stomach would not go away. I’d never

wanted a wedding like this. It had all gotten so out of control.

I came to this spot when I needed to make a decision. For me, the hardest part was wrestling with

the dilemma. Once my mind was made up, my convictions were set in stone. And everything

was easier. A finalized decision was freeing somehow.

This time, though, I’d made too many decisions without weighing them carefully. How had I

gotten here?

We’d met two years earlier over spring break. He came down from Ohio to visit all of his high

school buddies. He’d made me laugh, and in that brief week, our connection had seemed too

good to be true. All of his friends—my friends at Dartmouth—had been surprised. I wasn’t the

type of girl who usually got his attention. I was different. He said I was passionate about things

that really meant something. Intelligent. I made people laugh. And I was kind. He said that was

what it was. He was impressed by my strength.

But I was a different person now. Unsure of myself. What had happened? I hadn’t felt passionate

about anything in a long time. I just felt…well, I just felt resigned. This was the way things were.

I would have to make it happy and ideal.

And yet that was what was nagging at my heart. Why wasn’t it just happy? Why wasn’t I excited

about the rest of my life? He was a great guy…wasn’t he? He made me smile a lot. I didn’t laugh

much anymore, but I smiled. And still—I felt like I was about to make a huge mistake. I wasn’t

certain of anything at all anymore.

I whipped my head up as the first drop of rain stung my shoulder. The winds were picking up. As

I looked at the clouds swirling, I knew one thing only. The storm was almost here, and I needed

to run for shelter.

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Chapter: 2

I was dead with deciding, afraid to choose

I was mourning the loss of the choices I’d lose

But there’s no choice at all if I don’t make my move

And trust that the timing is right…

David Wilcox

Chapter One: Josh

“Josh?” I approached him in the crowded cafeteria. He’d transferred to Dartmouth the semester

after I had said I’d marry him.

“Hey, Bella.” He finished his conversation with the two guys from his business administration

class. “Where have you been? I thought we were supposed to meet at 5. I waited for you for a

few minutes, but I was so hungry I went ahead through the line.”

“I went for a walk. I had to iron some things out in my mind. I’ll be right back…just gonna get

some dinner.”

“Okay.” He watched me walk away, like he always watched me. It didn’t feel right.

I stood in line wondering how to tell him what I was thinking. He wouldn’t react well. I was sure

of that. He got so upset over the littlest things. I was always trying to keep him content. And this

thing wasn’t so little.

As I stood in line, I suddenly felt sick. I grabbed a tray and went over to the soup bar instead of

braving the chicken medley. I walked back to the table and pulled the chair back. “I forgot a

spoon!”

Josh smiled and mussed my hair affectionately. “That sucks, but it’s okay. I’ll sit here and wait

for you. I’m not in a hurry.”

I shoved my chair back quietly and trudged over to the silverware cart. When I came back and

sat down, he looked me over.

“You look rough…and wet. Did you get caught out in the storm?”

“Yeah,” I said. “I was up on the hill watching the storm come in.”

“Huh. Well, if you’d been here at 5, you’d be dry.” Almost as an afterthought, he added, “I know

you like it up there. What were you thinking about?”

There were too many people around for this conversation. And yet, I wasn’t sure I wanted to be

completely alone with him when I told him. “I don’t know. I’ve just been struggling with some

stuff. I’m thinking about changing my major…just a little. To English Lit with secondary ed

instead of elementary ed. I’ll still be able to teach…just something I enjoy a little more. I just felt

weird about where things were headed.” And there’s more , I thought.

“Weird about where things were headed,” he repeated dully.

You have no idea.

“Well, whatever you think. You’d be good at both.”

The soup was finally beginning to warm me up. I looked out the window. The rain had let up a

little. “What are your plans tonight?”

Josh leaned back in his chair, tipping the front legs up. “I don’t know. I don’t care, really. You?”

“I have some studying to do. And a case study to finish…and some lesson plans to write. But I’d

like it if we could walk back toward the dorms together,” I tested almost questioningly.

“Yeah. No problem.” We got up and threw our trash away, setting our trays and silverware on

the conveyor belt. I went back to push our chairs in and get my backpack. Josh waited by the

door. I shrugged on the pack, and he extended his hand as if showing me the door. I pushed it

open, and shivered as the breeze hit me. Josh took my hand as we headed back to the dorms.

If he thought I was quiet as he rambled on and on about his day, he didn’t say anything. When

we got close to my dorm, I sat on a bench under one of the lights. “Got a minute?”

“Sure.” He sat down. He was still laughing about the story he’d just finished. I smiled, and I

hoped it looked more genuine than it felt. I was quiet for a while, wondering how to begin.

“Bell?”

“Listen, Josh. I don’t really know how to say this. I know it’s kind of out of nowhere, but this

afternoon…up on the hill, I realized something isn’t right. I don’t know what it is, but I know

what it means. I’ve got to make some changes. It’s not just my major. That’s a part of it, but…I

just can’t see myself getting married right now. I feel like all of this has really gotten out of

hand.”

“Out of hand?” His jaw clenched. He looked down and saw me twisting the engagement ring.

His engagement ring.

“Yeah. I never really wanted a big wedding, for starters. Everyone’s just kind of taken over…not

that I haven’t appreciated the help. But…it’s more than that. I’m not sure my life is…I don’t

know. I don’t have any reasons that will make sense to you, but I just know I can’t do this right

now.”

“What do you mean right now? Can you do it later? Are we postponing this, or are you trying to

break up with me?!”

“I’m not sure, Josh.” I couldn’t look in his eyes at the moment. I was afraid of what I’d see there.

But he tipped my chin up at him roughly.

“Bella. This. Is. Crazy. You can’t even give me a good reason? You don’t even know why you

feel this way?? You haven’t thought this through enough to make a big decision like this!”

“Josh, please. Believe me, I wish I had better answers for you. I don’t, and I’m sorry.” I was

nervous. More than nervous. I had been afraid of how he’d react. He was yelling, and his fists

were shaking. Relieved, I noticed a few other people slowly approaching from the direction of

the cafeteria. I pressed on. “But I have this…certainty…that getting married isn’t right for us

right now. Maybe one day, I’ll be ready to take this back, but I don’t want it now.” I put the ring

in his hand and closed his fingers around it. “And I need to be able to walk away. I need some

space to figure things out for a while, so…I guess it is more of a breakup than a postponement.

I’m sorry.”

Josh was silent. I sat and waited for a moment. He didn’t say anything. His knuckles were white

and his brow was creased. He was breathing hard.

Quietly, I stood. “I guess I’d better go. I’m sorry, Josh.” I discreetly made sure there were still

people nearby, and I walked slowly toward the door, leaving him on the bench.

I thought I heard him muttered through his teeth, “You will be sorry.” I’d heard him wrong,

right?

I hoped I was wrong.

***

Everyone acted surprised at the news, but Angela caught up with me after lunch the next day. “I

know that must’ve been hard. You haven’t seemed like yourself for awhile. Is this what it was?”

“Yeah, I think so. I just couldn’t go on. I suddenly just felt like it was all a charade. I felt like I

was walking into a prison. Weird, huh? You’re not supposed to feel that way about your

wedding.”

“No. You’re definitely not. I heard he was pretty angry you couldn’t give him a decent

reason…do you know why??”

“I don’t, Angela.” I was suddenly very thankful for her friendship. She was the only one of my

friends who hadn’t known Josh before I did. “I just knew I had to get out.”

“Well,” she encouraged me. “There are only two weeks left in the semester anyway. You’ll get

to stay real busy with papers and finals, and then you can go away for awhile.”

“Yeah.” Suddenly, I was ready to get started…and lock myself away in my room.

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Chapter: 3

As I swam away from our possessions

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