{531}{638}{y:i}Hi, I'm Will, and yes, it's a briefcase. {640}{705}{y:i}I'm still at a normal,|terrifying comprehensive, {707}{774}{y:i}cos my mum hasn't scraped|the money together to send me back {776}{847}{y:i}to my old, private|and - let's face it - better school. {849}{920}{y:i}However, I have made friends here,|and in some ways, {922}{986}{y:i}this term will be better than the last. {988}{1058}{y:i}And in many other ways, a lot, lot worse. {1060}{1136}{y:i}But before all that,|my first hurdle of the new term involved {1138}{1233}{y:i}a freezing cold day in January,|a coach and Jay calling me a bender. {1235}{1290}- Morning, benders.|- All right? {1292}{1364}This is it. The Swanage field trip|is legendary for carnage. {1366}{1410}It's the only reason I chose geography. {1412}{1471}Seems like a flimsy reason -|"unspecified carnage". {1473}{1524}I'll tell you one thing|that won't be flimsy... {1526}{1583}my cock.|There's this sexy housewife down there, {1585}{1664}and every year|she fucks one bloke from our school. {1666}{1747}- How can you possibly know that?|- My mate went last year. He banged her. {1749}{1791}He said that she was the best|he'd ever had. {1793}{1888}A right fit, mature bird|that does it because she loves young meat. {1890}{1976}Oh, bollocks! For one thing,|you don't even have a mate in Year 13. {1978}{2047}- Yeah, I do. Chris Groves.|- Never heard of him. {2049}{2120}- He doesn't hang out with twats like you.|- Let me get this straight. {2122}{2200}Your imaginary friend fucked|an imaginary older woman in Swanage, {2202}{2264}so you decided|to do geography A level? Good plan {2266}{2318}We should have a laugh down there, though. {2320}{2400}We could go on a boat trip! I checked|online. They hire boats from the harbour. {2402}{2459}The Internet really is wasted on you. {2461}{2558}We should try and get off with the local|girls, or get some booze in or something. {2560}{2620}Everything we're shit at here,|but by the seaside. {2622}{2675}We could let off fireworks in our room. {2677}{2721}Could do. Might be a bit pointless. {2723}{2804}- Neil, what are you doing?|- Getting on the coach. {2806}{2877}- But you don't do geography or sociology.|- I know that. {2879}{2962}So why are you getting on the coach|to the geography and sociology field trip? {2964}{3021}Well, Jay was going on|about how mental it all was, {3024}{3104}and I really wanted to go, so I asked|Mr Kennedy if I could come and help out. {3106}{3190}- Paedo Kennedy? He said yes, presumably?|- He did, actually. {3192}{3258}- Who's "Paedo Kennedy"?|- Geography teacher... and paedo. {3260}{3326}I don't believe the school|would actually employ a paedophile. {3328}{3399}- They have done.|- The thing is, they haven't, have they? {3401}{3465}He was caught in the music cupboard|wanking over the school orchestra. {3467}{3506}- When?|- Before we started. {3509}{3599}- Convenient. What's he asked you to do?|- He's got to collect a load of samples. {3601}{3648}- Of your spunk!|- Collect them in his mouth! {3651}{3698}- And hair.|- Behave. {3725}{3803}{y:i}So even though Neil was now|a suspected paedo's plaything, {3805}{3846}{y:i}we boarded the coach with high hopes. {3849}{3904}{y:i}It might have been a new term|and a new year, {3906}{3951}{y:i}but some things never change. {3953}{4014}- Still going well with Carli, then?|- Shut up. {4017}{4072}- Here he is.|- Oh, watch out, Neil! {4115}{4176}- Oh, don't do that.|- Oh, thumbs up, friend! {4179}{4282}- Oh, weird, old, inappropriate friend!|- Oh, spunk samples friend! {4284}{4319}Why did he have to do the thumbs up? {4322}{4417}{y:i}- Cos that'll be going up your arse first!|- Going up your arse first. {4420}{4492}{y:i}In all the excitement, we'd forgotten|the first rule of coach travel - {4494}{4562}{y:i}- hard kids at the back.|- Oh, shit. I'm off. {4564}{4641}No! Stay! There's no reason|for us to move, and we're not moving! {4644}{4703}- Move.|- Why should we move? {4706}{4792}- D'you want me to give you a reason?|- Well, I'm not leaving without one. {4795}{4871}- I don't think you understand.|- I don't think that you understand {4874}{4934}that we got up early|to secure these seats and... {4937}{4970}Good point. {4973}{5033}Oh, fuck!|Where are we gonna sit now? {5036}{5098}What is going on?|Will you lot sit down? {5101}{5156}Our seats have been taken, sir.|There's nowhere left. {5159}{5214}There's loads at the front.|Sit next to John. {5217}{5289}I'm not sitting next to John.|His fat arse takes up two seats. {5292}{5365}- I've got feelings too!|- Fine, you're sitting next to me. {5367}{5451}- Oh, what?!|- Well, it's me or Mr Kennedy. {5453}{5515}Now, come on! Hurry up! {5517}{5585}And McKenzie, sit down. {5687}{5725}- Hello.|- Hi. {5727}{5771}Um, who are you? {5773}{5817}I'm Lauren Harris. I'm new. {5819}{5900}Hi, I'm Will McKenzie.|Scary being new, isn't it? {5902}{5928}It is a bit. {5930}{5985}The way the kids|all threaten to beat you up {5987}{6047}and call you names,|like "briefcase wanker". {6049}{6121}- Oh, it's not been like that.|- No, it wasn't for me either. {6172}{6251}{y:i}I was more used to field trips to|places like the Alps or Barcelona, {6253}{6332}{y:i}than shitty English seaside towns,|but as we headed to Swanage, {6334}{6420}{y:i}there was a sense of excitement,|a feeling that anything could happen... {6422}{6456}{y:i}for the first couple of hours, {6458}{6544}{y:i}then it became just another|incredibly tedious coach journey. {6546}{6605}Don't even think about trying|to talk to me. {6788}{6856}- Oi, who wants to swap seats?|- Nah, you're all right. {6858}{6915}Oh, God, it's so boring up there. {6917}{7002}Wait a minute!|Who's SpongeBob shit-his-pants talking to? {7036}{7099}- Aw, she's fit!|- Yeah, she is. {7101}{7163}- This'll get her attention.|- Neil, don't be embarrassing. {7165}{7241}Oi, everyone, watch this. {7348}{7411}- What's going on?|- Neil's just being silly. {7413}{7470}Is he doing that horn thing?|That's really funny. {7472}{7583}Y-Y-Yeah, really funny silly, isn't it?|Silly in a funny way. {7585}{7654}- Do it again, Neil.|- Yeah, do it again, Neil. {7694}{7740}Hey! {7742}{7811}Here, if you like that,|I've got a good one. {8044}{8102}- Aw!|- He's such a... {8104}{8148}Don't be silly. {8204}{8231}What?! They loved it. {8263}{8303}Cartwright, sit down. {8305}{8345}{y:i}So far, the only unspecified carnage {8347}{8432}{y:i}we had witnessed was what Big John|had left in the coach toilet. {8434}{8513}{y:i}But Jay wasn't giving up on finding|his mythical seaside MILF. {8515}{8568}Where do you think this nympho hangs out? {8570}{8610}Not sure. High Street, maybe? {8612}{8676}Or down by the ice-cream stall|on the front. {8678}{8771}Apparently, she comes up to you|and asks for "a lick of your Cornetto". {8773}{8843}It means she's offering a cock-in-mouth|situation. It's like a code. {8845}{8870}Brilliant! {8872}{8957}Oh, Will... A bit embarrassing, but|do you mind if I sit with you at lunch? {8959}{9000}You know, cos I've got no mates. {9002}{9051}God! No problem at all. {9053}{9092}You can sit on my lap if you like. {9094}{9168}No, thank you. You should know,|that thing you did on the bus {9170}{9241}was really sad and pathetic and not funny. {9243}{9267}I'll see you later. {9322}{9349}Frigid. {9386}{9443}Looks like you won't be getting off|with Lauren. {9445}{9544}Who cares? She's just a little girl.|I didn't come down here for girls, mate. {9546}{9602}I get enough of them back home.|Nah, I'm here for a woman. {9604}{9665}- She is fit, though.|- What? {9667}{9726}- Lauren's fit, isn't she?|- I saw her first. {9728}{9794}- What? I only said she was fit.|- Hi, guys. {9796}{9837}- Hi!|- Here, sit down here. {9839}{9914}- Oh, I'm just off, actually.|- Oh, no, don't leave on my account. {9916}{9979}Oh, it's not that.|I've got to see a man about a dog, {9981}{10015}then a woman about a pussy. {10017}{10084}NEIL LAUGHS|I do know what that means. {10111}{10169}- Right. You coming, Neil?|- Yeah. {10196}{10233}I'm Simon, by the way. {10235}{10280}- Hi, Simon.|- Sorry about those two. {10282}{10378}It's OK. I've got a younger brother,|so I'm used to it. Actually, he's eight, {10380}{10431}so he's a bit more mature, like,|but you know... {10471}{10534}Feisty one, you are! {10536}{10596}- What?|- Feisty one, you are! {10598}{10678}- Why are you talking like that?|- It was Yoda... {10715}{10745}{y:i}...from Star Wars. {10747}{10829}It's the same impression I was doing|on the coach for about an hour. {10831}{10883}Oh, is that what that was? Oh, good. {10885}{10943}I thought you might, you know,|have a problem. {10945}{10997}- Ha-ha! No.|- Or Asperger's, maybe? {10999}{11062}- Wrong again!|- Have you ever been tested for anything? {11064}{11091}Good one. {11093}{11178}Oh, I was going to ask, would one of|you do the survey with me, you know, {11180}{11250}- cos I've got no mates and all that?|- I will. {11252}{11296}- Really?|- Yeah. {11298}{11335}I don't think you can, actually. {11337}{11378}- Why not?|- Yeah, why not? {11380}{11425}Maybe because of what I mentioned earlier. {11427}{11510}- Jay fucking an old woman?|- Oh, ladies present! No, the other thing. {11512}{11581}I have no idea what you're talking about. {11583}{11636}Look, Lauren doesn't know anyone.|Don't be a dick. {11638}{11684}I'm not being a dick, Simon, {11686}{11759}I'm just saying|who am I going to do my survey with? {11831}{11861}Oh, no. {11863}{11941}Mr Gilbert says I'm to pair up|with you because I'm not very good {11943}{12008}with directions and I might get lost. {12010}{12055}Great {12057}{12129}Can I borrow your forms?|I spilt ketchup on mine. {12131}{12188}{y:i}So Simon got to hang out|with lovely ...
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