John Finnemore's Souvenir Programme Episode 3 Transcript.pdf

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-----------------------------------------Opening Credits------------------------------------------------------------------------
Episode 3
Luke: Hey, how did you find it?
JF: Well you know, not too bad. I answered all the questions anyway. How about you?
Luke: Yeah, all right. I guessed the last one a bit, but basically all right. What did you put for question 2?
JF: Oh, the coefficient of friction one? Well, I tried resolving the forces vertically and I got something like
w equals naught point 2 t over x to the power of 10 (w=0.2t/x^10) but I think I should have substituted for
t and solved for x. What did you put?
Luke: 6.
JF: 6?
Luke: Yeah.
JF: 6 what?
Luke: Just 6. Just the number 6.
JF: Right… okay, um, what were you thinking there?
Luke: Well… my thinking was, that the answer was… 6. I can’t exactly remember why now, but I
definitely thought that. Why, are you fairly sure about your thingy with the vertical thing?
JF: What, I don’t know for sure, um, let’s ask Lizzy. Lizzy!
Lizzy: Yeah?
JF: What did you put for question 2?
Lizzy: Question 2? Lemme think… yeah, I did a drawing of a sea lion.
JF: Did you?
Lizzy: Yeah. Sea lion in a little hat. Why, what did you put?
JF: Well, we put different things, but not a sea lion in a little hat. Are you sure it wasn’t about the
coefficient of friction between a cone and a plane?
Lizzy: Would the answer to that be a sea lion in a little hat?
Luke: Probably not.
Lizzy: Then I don’t think so. But let’s ask Steve. Steve!
Steve: Yeah?
Lizzy: Question 2, what did you put?
Steve: Question 2? Uh… a sea lion in a hat.
Lizzy: A little hat?
Steve: Well, medium-sized.
Lizzy: Yeah, but small for the sea lion?
Steve: Oh yeah.
Lizzy: Oh! I thought so.
JF: B-but… right. You see, I-I put quite a complicated value for w in terms of t and x and Luke here put 6.
Luke: Yeah, on the hat.
JF: What?
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Luke: Well, somehow I took drawing a sea lion in a hat for granted. I thought you meant what number
did I put on the hat.
Steve: Yeah 6 on the hat – that’s right.
JF: B-but, then… then n-none of these make sense. Unless… oh!
Luke: What?
JF: Well, unless, this is all a dream and I’m not sitting the exams at all. In fact, I’m 43 now. And I’m just
worried because I got that presentation to do tomorrow and I haven’t really prepared.
Steve: No, this is real.
Luke: Yeah.
Lizzy: Can’t believe you didn’t put a sea lion in hat!
-Okay, I want you to listen very carefully and tell me if I’ve got this right.
You’re angry about what you think I said about what you said about what you
thought I said but we now both agree I didn’t say about what you thought I
thought you thought about what I did when you did what you did when I didn’t
do what you thought I said I would do but I thought I said I would try to do. Is
that right?
-Yeah I thought so. Well, I didn’t say that.
-Yes you did! You said you couldn’t believe I said what I said about what I
thought about I thought you said. But which we do agree you didn’t say
because you thought I said I said what I said not because you didn’t do what
you said you’d do but because you said you’d do it. And that makes me feel
that you feel that I feel that you don’t feel what I feel.
-You know I feel that you feel I feel what you feel.
-Yes, but I don’t feel you know that I know that. And that’s why I said what I
-Why, what did you say?
-That sometimes, I think you’re a little over-analytical.
From episode 3 - Key Cutter sketch.
Key cutter: Here we go sir. There’s one key in there. I can cut you a second for half the price.
Customer: No, one’s enough thanks. Oh, before I go…
KC: Yes sir?
Customer: Sorry, I’ve always wondered – why do you guys always sell trophies?
Key Cutter: Oh, these?
Customer: Yeah. I mean, you know. What is it about keys and trophies that go together? I
mean, it’s not like you use the same machine or anything.
Key Cutter: Nah! No, no… but take you for instance, sir.
Customer: Yeah?
Key cutter: Wel, I bet you’ve been meaning to get that key cut for a while, haven’t you?
Customer: Uh… yeah. Yeah actually, how did you know?
Key Cutter: Ah! Well, it’s the same for everyone, sir. It’s never an urgent job. It just nags away at
you. Only you keep forgetting or you didn’t have time.
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Customer: That’s right, yeah.
Key Cutter: That little job, sat at the back of your mind, barely noticed it, but here it was another
way in which you’re inefficient and disorganised. Not a proper grown up.
Customer: Yeah, exactly yeah!
Key cutter: But today, sir, you’ve done it. You’ve done that job. Well done, sir. Very well done.
Customer: Oh. Thank you.
Key cutter: Well done. Maybe you should get yourself a trophy?
Customer: Sorry, what?
Key cutter: Just a little one. “I got around to it”.
Customer: *stammers* Yeah, I don’t think so.
Key cutter: Are you sure, sir? You have done really well today. Don’t you think you owe yourself
a little trophy?
Customer: Yeah, not really. I mean, you know. It’s not the same if you buy it yourself, is it?
Key cutter: Oh that’s a funny thing, sir. It is. It’s exactly the same. You earned it, now you’ve got
it. Who cares who gave it to you, the important thing is you did really really well and you got a
Customer: Alright, I’ll take it!
Key cutter: Good for you, sir! That would be 12 quid. And now, let me present you with your
trophy. Well done, sir. Very well done.
Customer: That was nice. I like that.
Key cutter: I thought you would, sir. Do you know what? I bet there’s a few more of these you
qualify for. “I finally learned my Internet banking ID and now I don’t have to keep looking it
up!”, “I was going to buy a packet of crisps, then I didn’t.”, “I’m… of a above average height.”
Customer: Go on then, I’ll take them all!
Key cutter: Good choice, sir. Well done.
-My Lords and Ladies of the Admiralty, Able Simon Johnson is therefore
charged with being intoxicated whilst on duty conduct under coming of a
Member of Her Majesty’s Armed Forces and the use of a foghorn for purposes
not sanctioned in standing orders.
-How do you plead?
-Guilty, ma’am.
-Very well. Gentlemen, your view.
-Ah, give then that it is a first offence, I inclined towards clemency. I
recommend we merely suspend him from act of duty without pay for 3 months.
-Very well. And you?
-Well I take rather different view. I think we should put him in a long boat ‘till
he’s sober.
-I’m sorry?
-Put him in a long boat ‘till he’s sober.
-No, no, I-I still…
-Put him in a long boat, ‘till he’s sober, ‘earlay’ in the morning.
-What is a long boat?
-Well you know, like one of our normal boats but, uh, longer.
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- Do we even have such a boat?
- Well, there’s the HMS Ocean, 667 feet long – that’s quite long.
-My Lord, the HMS Ocean is not a boat.
-Really? It’s definitely boat-shaped. Anyway, any long boat will do. My
central point is simply that we should put him one, until he’s sober … ‘earlay’
in the morning.
-I don’t really know, it’s a gut instinct. I just think there’s something with the
length of the boat and the ‘earlay’ness of the morning that’ll, you know, really
make him think about what he’s done. And of course by the end of it he’ll be
-With respect sir, the prisoner has been in charge for 3 weeks. He’s pretty
sober already.
-Oh is he? Oh, why didn’t you say so? Well in that case, I think our course is
-Do you?
-Absolutely. It is my firm and considered opinion it is our duty as the admirals
of the Royal Navy to shave his belly with a rusty razor.
-What on earth?
-Let me finish! Shave his belly with a rusty razor … shave his belly, with a rust
razor … ‘earlay’ in the morning.
-And what in the world do you that that’ll achieve?
-Well number one, a smoother belly.
-Can I just say, can I just say, sir, I would prefer the long boat.
-Ah! You see! He thinks the long boat is a good idea.
-Alright! I’ve heard enough. Abel Simon Johnson, you’ll be suspended from
act of service for a duration of not less than 3 months. During which time
you’ll be required to attend regular sessions in managing your relationship with
-Spoil spot.
-Yes, well you were being silly.
-I suppose.
-But, uh… these sessions? What time will they be?
-I-I don’t know. What does it matter?
-‘Earlay’ in the morning?
-Oh, very well. Regular sessions in alcohol management, ‘earlay’ in the
morning. That concludes this session. The court will now rise.
-And up he rises! ‘Earlay’ in the morning!
-So hello! Here we are. Welcome to the Tajikistan Hilton – snow leopard
central. (We hope) 1 cave, 2 men, 2 sleeping bags, 1 camera – well, 2 counting
this one – all we need now is a big white pussy cat. And here we have the good
doctor, Doctor Jonathan (Colliford) of Oxford University, no less!
-Haha, hello, hello.
-Who I first had the pleasure to meet, well, uh, 5 hours ago.
-About that, yes. Still, plenty of time now to get to know each other.
-Aye. 6 months of it! We’ll know each other better than our own wives [ - ]
-Yes, actually I’m not married.
-Oh well there we are. That’s the sort of thing we’ll find out. So for now,
(we’re on) leopard villas. Goodbye!
-*sigh* So…
-Well, it’s rather nice in a way, isn’t it? No radio, no TV, nothing. Nothing to
do all day but watch those mountains and, uh, talk to one another.
-True, true enough.
-Uh, s-so, for instance – how did you first become fascinated with the snow
-Oh well, me? Oh, the beasties leave me cold, I’m afraid. But you know, for a
camera man, a big wild life doc was about the best gig you can get. Why, you a
big leopard guy, are you?
-Ah well yes I suppose, I suppose so. I spent more, more or less my whole life
studying them. So yes, yes!
-Right, well I admire that.
-Oh! And I admire you, too.
-Oh, right! Our little mutual appreciation society we got.
-Yes… yes, haha.
-Uh, so, what’s your club?
-Oh! Well, the Explorers’ Club actually. Not that I consider myself an
explorer, you understand, but –
-Uh, no, your club – which club do you follow?
-Oh God, yes! I’m sorry. I’m afraid I don’t really follow football.
-But cricket though! Big cricket fan. I don’t suppose you…?
-Not so much, no… Do you like cooking?
-Not really… Sailing?
-No. Poker?
-‘fraid not.
-… Right. Okay, then. 6 months here…
-Hmm.. hmm..
-Look! A snow leopard!
-No, where?!
-Not really.
-Seen any yet?
-Any what?
-Uh, any snow leopards?
-No. I would definitely tell you if I saw one.
-Aye, I know. Just my little joke.
-Yes… haha.
-Oh! I know! I can’t believe I didn’t think of it before. Wine! I bet you know
all about wine. You see, I know a wee bit myself. Pal of mine owns a vineyard
in Australia. He’s told me all about the [ - ] … no?
-Don’t like it, or just don’t know about it? ‘Cause I can teach you maybe.
-Oh right.
-Sorry… chess?
-No… fishing?
-No… art?
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