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CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Negotiate
What You Want
It may surprise you to know that the key to successful negotiation is not just
knowing what to say and when to say it. Wealth, success, happiness—whatever you
desire, you can achieve. Learn the principles to successful negotiation and you can
unlock, harness and develop your potential to achieve a new, positive, and success-
oriented self-awareness. This chapter covers both the human potential concepts that can
help position you to become a better negotiator, and the practical, easy to apply, tactical
elements and strategies necessary for powerful negotiation. These tips will help you
become a winner, to get what you want—those dreams, wishes and fantasies that will
make your life a delight.
1. Realize that you alone are the source of all
the conditions and situations in your life.
The state of your health, your finances, your personal relationships, your
professional life—all of it is your doing; yours and no one else’s. Look carefully at any
situation in your life and be honest about it. If you are honest with yourself, you will
eventually see that, either consciously or subconsciously, you set it up to be that way.
Whether you are aware of it or not, you’ve allowed that situation to remain as it is, even
though you’ve had the ability to change it all along. When you accept responsibility for
creating a situation, you are ready to accept responsibility for changing it. And when
you assume responsibility for changing it, you take control of your life.
When you take control of your life, you exhibit power, which is the key to your
ability to negotiate. Power is the capacity to get things done, to exercise control over
people, events, situations, and oneself. However, power is based on perception—if you
think you’ve got it then you’ve got it.
2. Establish clarity of intent.
Your first priority is to establish clarity of intent with no indecisiveness whatsoever.
This is half the battle. When you form clarity of intent and stick to it, you will eventually
achieve the results you want. Intention leads to action. One important thing to
remember: don’t be afraid to make a mistake or change your mind. Your goals exist to
serve you; you don’t exist to serve them. You are free to change what you want if it
doesn’t suit you. Sometimes there is no way to find out whether or not a particular goal
really suits you until you try it. Even if it turns out that it’s not what you want, you will
have had the experience of making real progress toward a goal, and you will have
learned the practical skills to accomplish it.
3. Apply the concept of willingness.
Willingness is having an open frame of mind; be receptive to the possible, the
untried, the unproven. Willingness doesn’t make judgments. It doesn’t make excuses for
why things cannot be. It doesn’t refuse what is asked of it, no matter how illogical the
request may seem. When you become absolutely clear in your own mind that you are
willing to do whatever it takes to achieve your goal, the principle of willingness will
start creating shortcuts for you by illuminating the need to do certain things. It brings
your goal to you with increasing acceleration and without all the trouble you thought
necessary.
The principle that makes willingness work has four parts: a concept, a law, a
phenomenon and a power. First: the concept of thoughts as things. Therefore, if a
thought is a thing in a physical universe, it is governed by the same physical laws as
other things. One of those physical universal laws is second: the law of physical
attraction. Things attract things. Whenever you think something, the thought
immediately attracts its physical equivalent. Therefore, “What the human mind can
conceive and believe, it can achieve,” as Napoleon Hill says. Third, a phenomenon then
occurs: the phenomenon of acceleration. When things begin moving toward each other,
they move at an ever-increasing rate. The fourth element of the willingness principle is:
the power of an open mind.
Commitment, a feeling of confidence that you’ll pursue what you want no matter
what happens, is essential. Ask life or other people for that which truly delights,
empowers or helps you grow. Hold a firm belief that what you want is so desirable and
so important that it is worth doing whatever you must do to get it. To succeed, you must
be willing to take risks and to do whatever it takes to accomplish it.
Risk-taking involves mixing courage with common sense. If you don’t take risks, the
other side will manipulate you. Intelligent risk-taking requires a willingness to shrug
your shoulders and absorb a manageable loss without whining—the chance of a setback
is the price you must pay for any progress. You must be willing to give up something in
order to get something. You don’t have to do anything, but you must be willing to do it.
Non-action is just as capable of producing results as action.
4. Overcome the blocks to asking.
There are three blocks that keep people from asking for what they need: fear, pride,
and low self-esteem. Fear is responsible for all the disturbances in life, large or small,
international or interpersonal. Hatred, anger, possessiveness, tension, anxiety, greed,
inhibition, stress, frustrations, hang-ups, phobias, insecurities ... all are fear-based
emotions. Fear paralyzes us and keeps us from acting when we need to act. It could stop
us from making a growth choice when it would be in our best interest. In accepting the
fear, and living with it, you are imprisoned within it. Courage is a matter of being afraid
and choosing to act anyway. When you choose not to act because of fear, you begin to
avoid life.
The second block to asking is pride. One form of pride is blaming. It is easier to be a
victim and blame others for your circumstances than it is to take responsibility for your
life. Realize the futility of blame. From a human potential perspective, blame is self-pity.
If you remove the self-pity, all that is left is self-responsibility and the awareness that
you are the creator of your own circumstances. Ask your mate, children, parents, in-
laws, employees and friends what they think you should be doing with your life and
everyone will give you a different answer. It is your life. You will have to control it.
The third block is low self-esteem. Low self-esteem is a self-imposed limitation. The
first step to rising above this restrictive thinking is to become clear on your intent in the
negotiation. Exactly what do you want, why do you want it, and what are you willing to
do to get it? Once you’ve drawn that line, never cross it. Never do anything that lowers
your self-esteem. If it adversely affects your well-being, walk away from it. No matter
how tense the negotiation gets, never lower your standards just to achieve the goal you
desire. Absolutely nothing is worth the extreme negativity a loss of self-respect would
bring.
High self-esteem results from what we do in life, not from what we have. When your
conduct is below your standard and you don’t correct it, your self-image will suffer.
When you do things that make you feel good about yourself, your self-esteem and your
self-image is enhanced.
5. Use creative visualization and
imagination to reach your goal.
Prior to any negotiation, do a dress rehearsal. Envision all possible scenarios so that
you are prepared. This will enable you to be self-confident. Keep a strong mental picture
of what you desire firmly in your mind. Then relax and visualize how you will feel
when you attain it. This visualization will release chemicals in your brain, causing a
pleasure reaction the same as if you had already attained your goal. This positive
feedback will encourage you to continue reaching for your goal.
6. Ask the right person.
Try not to negotiate with a person who lacks authority; it’s a waste of your time. Ask
the appropriate person or keep looking until you find the right person. Don’t be afraid
to approach successful people. Approach an intermediary. Ask someone who can and
who wants to say yes. Explain why you need assistance. Show how the person’s help
will make a difference; people will want to help you if your purpose seems sound and
good. Show that you intend to give your best efforts; if you ask for help without putting
forth your best efforts, people won’t be eager to assist you.
7. Ask effectively.
If you ask in the right way, anything is possible. You can have whatever you want in
life: wealth, material goods, happiness, rich life experiences, fulfilling relationships, and
more. Before you ask, know what you really need or want. Remember, you must have
clarity of intent. Certainty inspires confidence and support.
Ask for the essentials first. This is very important. The people who get what they want
in this world are those who can work and live lean. Cut back your unrealistic desires
and be selective in what you ask for; don’t ask for the wrong things. Too many people
think that luxuries are necessities and their wants become endless. Sometimes people
ask for things that will not help them get what they really want.
8. How you ask is as important as what you ask:
Use cleverness and humor in your approach.
Learn to ask artfully. Getting what you want in life sometimes requires the courage
to try a new direction when what you’re doing doesn’t seem to be getting you what you
need. Use cleverness and humor in your approach; it not only arouses curiosity, it also
frequently overcomes resistance or opposition. A clever or imaginative request is often
memorable, and can make more of an impression on others. Don’t limit yourself to
talking or writing; try asking with more than just words—ask with your actions, too.
Try different angles. Use your creativity and be flexible in making requests. If one
approach doesn’t work, try another. Ask—with a smile, by example, through a gesture.
9. Don’t be an island. Garner
support and include other people.
Involve the other person in what you’re asking for; this will draw them to your side.
Persuade others to help, get them involved in the planning and decision making, and
they will shoulder part of the burden. Your ability to gain the commitment of others
magnifies the impact of your words and gives you power. By dispersing the overall risk
through the support of others, you can use circumstances to your best advantage while
lessening your own stress levels.
When you ask for something, go beyond yourself; help the person you’re asking, to
go beyond him or herself too. Include other people in your dreams and desires. Share
what you have; you’ll appreciate what you have all the more because the spirit of
sharing will enrich your life. Remember, people support that which they help create.
10. Be your own expert.
If the negotiation is important enough to win, it is worth your time to prepare for.
Compose a checklist of points to be covered. Try to have all the relevant facts at hand.
Offer evidence: facts, figures, expert opinions, and keep your reference materials within
easy reach. Learn to be your own expert. Establish your background and credentials
early in the negotiation. Use the power of legitimacy; documents carry authority and
people tend not to question the printed word. Use the power of precedent: justify what
you’re asking for by referring to other similar situations, but be careful to use an
example with the outcome beneficial to you, or this can backfire.
11. Never let them know your deadline.
Be aware of the time element when you negotiate. The way you view and use time
can be crucial to your success. The other side always has a time limitation or a deadline.
Your best strategy is not to reveal your own deadline. If you are aware of their time
limits and they don’t know yours, you will have the advantage. Be calm, patient and
alert for the favorable moment to act. If you are able to project an attitude of having all
the time in the world to conduct negotiation, frequently the other side will give you
what you want in order to end the encounter. Always be relaxed and calm.
12. Determine the other person’s unspoken needs.
In any negotiation, there are two things being bargained for: the specific issues and
demands—the points under negotiation, and the unspoken needs, which are usually the
real needs of the other side. Logic in and of itself will rarely influence people. If you
want to persuade people, show the immediate relevance and value of what you’re
saying in terms of meeting their needs and desires. Be sensitive to the nonverbal cues the
other is giving. A vital piece of information in any negotiation is a knowledge of the
other party’s real limits. Very often, this can be determined by looking at the concessions
the other side offers. The pattern of concessions can be the real clue to just how far
others will go. In order to successfully negotiate with anyone, you are virtually assured
of success if you can determine what the other’s needs really are and fulfill them. The
old cliché has a lot of truth to it: give, in order to receive.
13. Approach each person on a human level.
Give the person you’re negotiating with respect, appreciation, human warmth,
understanding, the prospect of future success or credit. Courtesy and respect for others
will make people think a little more kindly of you. It will open their minds to your needs
or interests and predispose them to consider your request more favorably. No matter
what you want from others, you’re more likely to get it if you show sincere respect.
Also, give the other person the right to say no. But always give something to the other
person. Get the other person to identify with you by acting professionally and
reasonably. In this way you will gain their cooperation, loyalty and respect. Try to
convey understanding and empathy; speak to the other person’s needs, hopes, dreams,
and aspirations. Approach each person on a human level with the hope that you can
help them solve their own problem.
14. Request or invite, never demand or beg.
These are the two biggest mistakes you can make in negotiating what you want.
How to tell if you are demanding rather than making a request: demands usually take
one of two forms—abusiveness or threats. Begging is demanding and shows a sense of
insecurity. In many cases, people do not realize they are begging, but apple polishing,
insincere flattery, whining and complaining are forms of begging. Never ask from
weakness, even if you are down and out. Never ask with a sledgehammer, even if
you’ve got one. Be dignified but not pompous.
15. Dress appropriately.
The first four minutes will determine a great deal of the outcome in any negotiation.
In addition to having your case well-prepared, be careful about your appearance.
Appearances do count; even the best-laid plans can backfire if your personal appearance
is not appropriate. You don’t need to have lots of money or to dress expensively, but it is
important to be well-groomed and dressed neatly. Lack of concern for you appearance
implies casualness and a lack of respect for the other person. Also, show respect in word
and deed. Look cheerful; communicate confidence with your body language. Create a
comfort zone. Respect the other person’s time. Don’t contradict people. Make people feel

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